Why I'm not taking pictures anymore

I was shooting a lot since 1997. I made dozens of thousands of photos since then. On film, then on digital. People liked them, loved them envied them. I printed them, exposed them on numerous websites, stored them on CDs, then DVDs. I spent hours and days rearranging, improving. I read magazines, books. I learnt Photoshop. I had many many different cameras. One is always more expensive and more advanced than the previous. Now my camera bag weights at least 5 kilos, holding big expensive digital camera, 3 big and 1 small lens, big flash and other little stuff.

And so what? Am I happy with all this? I don't think so. Because I'm not shooting anymore.

And since this hobby occupied a big part of my life - and now it's not part of it anymore - I seek to understand why.

I always thought that good equipment is necessary to make good shots. Yes and no. There are things good equipment gives you:

1. The freedom for your creativity - better camera normally has less limitations.

2. The feeling of superiotiry over the mainstream - "I have a camera that costs a fortune. I'm cool"

3. If you know how to avoid 2, then good camera just gives you more self assurance, more stability.

Now when I posess almost all the equipment I wanted - I have all 3 points above. Becoming elder, I tend to feel 3 more than 2. But I honestly recall feeling only 2 some time ago.

I'm not really taking pictures though. What is the problem?

There is something else that I need to take pictures. It is this inner drive. The force that empowers you to go, look for new, unopen.

Why I don't have this drive anymore? I guess it's not anymore important to me.

I made some progress over last few months undestanding my place in life, my role, my mission. But I didn't yet succeded in interating photography into these concepts. Subconsiously I know photography IS part of my life. But I didn't find reason for it.

So if I feel photography shoud be there - I need to find a way to integrate it into my life concept.

Where does the spiritual energy go when we watch TV or play computer game?

Some of us believe that there is a thin energy, the one we can hardly measure but can very well feel. It is called Chi in Chinese culture. it is called Prana in Hindu culture and is the base element in yoga.

I feel I loose a lot of Energy when I'm watching a very action-based movie, when I'm desperate to find something in the internet but I can't find it. Although I don't watch TV since many years I recall being very tired after spending few hours in front of TV set.

So, if I loose Energy - someone or something acquires it. My pivotal question is who?


My thinking leads me to the world described by Russian writer Daniil Andreev in his tremendous work - Roza Mira ("The Rose of the World" or "The Rose of Peace", mir has two meanings in Russian).

He depicts worlds, layers that lie in different dimensions around us. They, for example, have 4 physical dimensions and 3 time dimension, so they actually have 3 times at once. They are exciting, and they are often referred to as Heaven, we normally point up when we refer to them. Those with 2 or less physical dimensions are full of suffering. And are often referred to as Hell. We normally point at them below us. Those lieing inside or around Planet Earth are particularly interesting.

There is a layer (below us) that consumes energy that is emitted by fress blood when it spills away from the body. Andreev says this layer affects the events in our layer to spill more and more fresh blood to feed the demonic creatures that populate this demonic layer. So they provoke wars. They also consume the energy emitted by suffer of living creature so they provoke fight between all leaving creatures and even such basinc concepts as natural selection on Earth.

Ok with suffer and blood, but where does my Energy go when I watch TV or I sit in front of computer game? I guess there is a layer that consumes it. If we project the thinking of Daniil Andreev (who wrote his book in late 50s of XX century) on the world of XXI century we might see that someone/something outside of our physical world manipulates technologies to steal or redirect the stream of life energy. LCD panel may be a perfect transmitter of human energy when you sit in front of Windows that installs slowly on your computer. You are impatient to get this thing running, you loose the Energy to push it and the enrgy goes to someone out there. In this sence Mac computer is really less demonic as it hardly makes me worry about the speed or reliability. TV is the same thing with higher coverage. Even in buddhist monasteries you have TV now.


My outcome is - don't let someone steel your energy - don't waste it on computer or in front of TV. Don't let the think distress you - turn around when it hungs up - don't watch the blue screen, get yourself a tea or water, think about you children, about the chirch next block.. whatever. Just don't give it away

I'm Russian

I'm Russian. But most people who surround me are post-soviets.

Sometimes I feel myself like duke Myshkin from Dostoevsky's Idiot. And I'm actually looking for other Russians around me.. Not easy thing though.